And nothing happened ever since.

I have to admit that I miss having my sub. I aslo hate that thought that has been lingering in my mind : he doesn't need me. Which i thought he did. I thought we shared something special. And maybe we did, but I thought it was more special. I know it was for me. 

I'm not looking for anyone to replace him at present time. I don't feel comfortable, and I doubt my abilities as a Dom, or just as a partner. 

I hate it that someone can have this effect on me, and treat me with such disdain. 

Wait till I'm combative again, and some people will pay.

1. No surprises are allowed – (except surprise parties and scenes and gifts and cards and that kind of fun stuff).
   
   
2. Make clear agreements on what each person is supposed to do.
   
   
3. Each person should be clear about their intentions.
   
   
4. Each person should be clear about their expectations of the other.
   
   
5. No secrets or secret agendas are allowed.
   
   
6. Find ways to be genuinely supportive and uplifting toward one another, especially when times are tough.
   
   
7. Keep a sense of humor when working out differences of opinion.
   
   
8. If one loses their sense of humor, the other should be forgiving.
   
   
9. If one gets out of line, the other should be firm but forgiving, and the one out of line should acknowledge the infraction when it is pointed out.
   
   
10. Nagging is only allowed if done with humor and goodwill.
    
    
11. Never complain to a third party in place of dealing with the primary person directly.
    
    
12. When disagreeing, both sides must listen to the other intently.
    
    
13. When disagreeing, interruptions, raised voices, angry movements and demeaning language are illegal and must be apologized for when they are pointed out.
    
    
14. Apologies for interruptions, raised voices, angry movements and demeaning language during disagreements must be accepted.
    
    
15. When disagreeing, neither person is allowed to say "I already told you such and such" – they have to patiently repeat themselves.
    
    
16. When disagreeing, neither person is allowed to accuse the other of starting the argument or creating the disagreement.
    
    
17. If one has bad feelings about the other during or after a disagreement they are not allowed to blame the other for these bad feelings.
    
    
18. Past disagreements are not valid issues during a current disagreement – no "generalizing" and no "bringing up the past" is allowed.
    
    
19. Short breaks from arguments are allowed but when possible, disputes should be resolved on the same day they begin.
    
    
20. If a departure is necessary during a disagreement it must be cordial and considerate.

Thinking back to it, I think I've always been more on the dominant side. I'm the one people came to for advice, people trusted. The first "sub" I got was a kid, as I was at that time. Our story lasted about10 years, until one day I acted a bit too dominant with him. I didn't realize it at this time, of course. Only that after that things got different. He slowly detached himself from me, but still loved me nonetheless .

He wasn't very strong, or the smartest pupil of the class.

I only realized too late that his goal wasn't to have the best grades, or beat the other pupils to impress me. His only goal was to love me, be there for me, support me, "serve" me. I think that this first relationship molded the others, and made me afraid to fully live as a dom. For that day, I've tended to act more like a sub because I was afraid that by being a dom, I would hurt people. I guess that this is what books and trainings are for, but  I didn't know that at that time.